What’s Next?

Do you feel like you’re running toward something or from something? – I’m not sure…

These past two years have been filled with loss for many of us. I have lost my favorite human, mentor, confidant, friend the moment my mother passed. If that wasn’t enough there was my stepfather, godmother, several cousins and three cats.

Aside for the loss of loved ones. There has been a loss of security, adventure, patience, trust, and I hate to say it spirit. I know I’m not the only one walking about like a pandemic zombi pretending to be okay and wondering if you can remember what okay is and if it was all a false sense of security.

Living in a free country being able to come and go wherever and when ever you pleased. Being able to plan with a degree of certainty what to do next. Pick a goal and go for it, the heck with negative possibilities we live in the land of happily ever after.

We’re not in 2019 anymore Toto…

I’m sharing this blog today because of a Kalhil Gibran quote I read recently; “Anxiety isn’t so much about the future, but our wanting to control it.” This quote hit me right between the eyes – Suddenly I could put a finger on all of the above losses it all comes down to not being able to control the future. YES we knew all this before, but we lied to ourselves. The pandemic lifted the curtain, removed our rose colored glasses and knocked us on our collective asses.

So what’s next? Do we continue to fake it until we make it? Try and repurpose the broken parts of our spirit? Maybe try the trendy pivoting to our next thing. All I know is I have more questions than answers. More anxiety than I had during the pandemic, because I have to figure out how not to be afraid to take chances, try a new direction, not having a plan.

Meditation has been a godsend to me, getting quiet to listen to my heart’s desires. Clearing out clutter and letting go of excess, has also been a great help. Spending time in nature on my bike, walking, running, and kayaking has brought me a sense of where I fit in the world. Living with two cats who only understand how to be in the moment has made me more aware of living this way.

I share this because I hope these words may speak to you and make you feel a little less lost. What’s next? I haven’t the faintest idea, but if I get on the wrong bus, I can always get off and find the right one…

Be Awesome,

Gin

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Today I Remember Saying I Love You, and Goodbye.

This is a deeply personal blog post, I wasn’t going to write about this but there might be someone out there who may need to see something like this to know they are not alone. This may also be a reminder to make each encounter with loved ones count.

June 9th 2020, we were nearly three months into the pandemic. My mother’s beloved John had been gone exactly one month to the day. It was my routine since John’s passing to have coffee with mom every morning, because this was her ritual with John. Mom was having a tough time after John’s passing she’d never lived on her own before – I’d offered to move in with her but she didn’t want me changing my life because of her.

Our coffee chat included the typical what happened the evening before, and what the plans of the day were. I told mom about Evie (my newly adopted cat) and she told me my nephew had called the night prior and she was excited about their conversation. She was asking me about her car and if I thought she could drive it? I told her first she’d have to get it checked out as the check engine light was on, so she added calling her mechanic to her to do list. I headed out about 10am to get a few things done at home. I left saying as I always did “I love you”, she answered as she always did” I love you too sweetheart more than you’ll ever know”-“Be careful on the road.”

About two hours later my mother called me she wasn’t feeling well. I rushed to her house, called 911 because she was obviously not herself. Before the rescue cam we sat hand in hand with her head on my shoulder saying I love you, we both knew this would probably be the last moment we would spend together.

My mother suffered an inter cranial bleed. It would be another eight and a half days before she passed. I did get to see her hours before she passed. She knew who I was, and that this was the final goodbye. this time she said “I love you” and I said “I love you too, more than you ever know”.

I write about this because, that morning was like any other in the previous weeks. We don’t get a notice, we don’t have a visible expiration date. If these past two years have taught me anything, is to be present, not just there, but present with whom ever I’m with. Don’t just hear but listen. Pause before you answer especially if you don’t agree. Think to yourself is my opinion or belief more important than this relationship, this moment? We don’t get do overs, you get one chance per encounter. Make it one that if you have to remember even in the shit-hole of grief that you’re heart is still filled with love and not regret…

Peace, and kindness is all any soul wants,

Gin